Your Q3 Relationship Audit is ready.
Personal Account — Period: [July 1] – [September 30]
Professional-grade relationship infrastructure
In [the year after the Great Pantry Reckoning of the mid-2020s], Campbell Soup Company commissioned a strategic review of its portfolio. Pepperidge Farm, with its 90% brand trust score and 'warmth' associations, was identified as the ideal vehicle for entry into the emerging Social Capital Management sector.
'People trust us with their cookies,' noted then-CEO Harriet Voss in her landmark internal presentation. 'They'll trust us with their friendships.'
The pivot was complete by [the following spring]. The Milano production line in Bloomfield, CT was retooled for server rack housing. The Goldfish factory in Richmond, VA became the site of Pepperidge Farm's first Human Intelligence Processing Center.
We haven't looked back.
Itemized obligation ledger
| Obligation | Debt |
|---|---|
| Unreturned calls × 3 | +18.0 days |
| Cancelled plans × 2 | +14.0 days |
| Unreplied texts × 7 | +8.4 days |
| Failed to acknowledge life event × 1 | +12.0 days |
| Early birthday text (counts against you) × 1 | +0.6 days |
| Goodwill credits applied | -6.0 days |
| Total Social Debt | 47 days |
If you're reading this, you found it.
I'm Jim Thacker. I was Lead Systems Architect on Tend v1 through v3. I left the company [last spring]. I have a lot of feelings about what we built.
The relationships in your dashboard are real. The data about them is real. What happens to that data after it leaves your screen — that's the part they don't explain clearly.
Look at the Q3 audit. Look at the fine print on the re-engagement prompts. Look at what you agreed to when you signed up.
I'm not saying don't use it. I'm saying: know what you're using.
— J.T.
Current as of [last quarter]. Updated quarterly.